Updates on my journey so far..

Hey there. I don't even know if anyone actually reads this blog but I have to constantly remind myself that real passionate writers do not seek for an audience because this isn't like a telenovela and so whether or not this blog actually gets the attention that it deserves (😅) does not matter but if you can relate to my whole experience, know that you are not alone, because I too have walked the path not many have chosen. I started off by opening up about how much life has been nightmarish for me since the day I graduated. I had been jobless for almost 3 years and I strongly believe that if you had studied a certain course or field, you are SUPPOSED to be working in that field and if not, that still makes you 'jobless' even if you are bringing home some meager amount of $$$ from some other pathetic excuse of a job that you got hooked on in the meantime. You know what really gets to me?  It is when some so-called expert nonsensically comments that graduates these days are too choosy about the job that they apply to. Of course we gotta be choosy you dickhead! Your first job forms the base of your resume' and if you can't even find one that fits well, what makes you think that the subsequent ones are gonna be any better? Success stories are numerous, yes, but it doesn't mean that just because some people are able to end up as millionaires after selling kangkung at the roadside, would this ever stand as an assurance that the same fate would be for every one who decides to be less choosy. I could go on arguing to no avail if people out there are still stuck up with the idea that education is just worth the recognition and the knowledge you gain from it but is of no use when it comes to paying your bills etc. You study now so that you can use that to work; simple, nothing more nothing less. Now back to my journey from one without a future to someone who can finally see something glimmer ahead, 2018 had indeed been that year that was completely dedicated to waiting for exams and the results and the housemanship posting. This could be useful for those out there who might be wondering how long does it really take for one to clear off the epr etc.. This is my timeline (which may differ from your own, but you can use this as a guide should the need to do so arises) so far:
January 2018: I registered for the epr theory exam which would be held in March.
February 2018: I was told that I was eligible to sit for the exam and hence was told to pay rm 3000 + rm 1000 for the epr theory exam.
29th March 2018: It was on this fateful day that I sat for the epr theory in UKM. There were almost 50 candidates.
2nd week of April 2018: I was expecting the results to only be released after 2 months as was rumored by all but ended up getting it much earlier. Thank God for the upcoming general election. Hurray! Went on to pay rm3000 this time for the osce..there goes my money! 😡
10th May 2018: The most nerve racking day - the clinical osce exam at IMU.
End of June 2018: The much awaited  (almost gave me a heart attack) moment finally came when I received the email regarding how I did and seeing the big bold print of LULUS made me smile after months of sombre.
23rd July 2018: Completed the online submission at Spai8 and sent my documents by hand to the human resource dept of KKM in Putrajaya.
.........and after a long period of intermission..
17th October 2018: Finally saw my name on the mmc register of doctors (still jobless but at least this happened)
So there it is..The timeline so far and now the next in line should be the change in the Spai8 account status from tiada apa2 pengambilan to telah melepasi tapisan. Hoping this will take place soon and only after that can I be sure that I would be included in the next intake for housemanship, so let's just wait and see. 💪

Diabetes and its myths debunked

I have decided to write about this condition because for one, it has affected (and even wiped out!) some of those who are close to my heart, and also because there has been a recent surge in the amount of products and their theatrical ads that claim to possess the key to a complete CURE from Diabetes. The number one question that I have to ask these group of people who have mushroomed out of nowhere is, 'Do you people even know what Diabetes Mellitus is besides the generally known fact that diabetics have abnormal glucose levels in their blood?' There is YET to be an official statement that this condition can be cured because this isn't simply something where the focus is placed in keeping the glucose levels within its normal range but in digging deep down to its root cause or should I say the culprit of it which isn't anything else but the burnt-out pancreas itself. I mentioned earlier that we are dealing with a population of patients with abnormal glucose levels instead of bluntly saying that these people have high sugar levels because there are a lot of them who also have low blood sugar levels, neither of which is good for the proper functioning of the body cells. Diabetes Mellitus is a chronic (still incurable) condition in many that happens when the pancreas is not able to produce insulin as much as it should or completely shuts down and as a result, the glucose in the blood stays in the blood and is not taken up by the body cells to be utilized for energy. There are 2 problems here: the elevated glucose level with its own damaging effects upon the blood vessels and nerves which goes on to negatively impact an array of systems in the body in addition to depriving the cells from their major fuel source leaving them with no choice but to turn to the alternate fuel afforded by the fats in our body with eventual ketone formation and acidosis. In short, your life changes completely once you have been diagnosed with Diabetes, either type 1 or 2, both of which aren't reversible. Type 1 in its part is at least something that's autoimmune to which there isn't anything much that you can do to prevent its onset but Type 2 is about how much you are able to stay active and hold down your sweet tooth temptations. The destruction of the pancreas either by autoantibodies or being overburdened results in Diabetes and the only way to a cure is if you get yourself a brand new pancreas but if exchanging an organ for a newer version of it was as easy as changing the spare parts in your car, the researchers who are avidly working on it would have come up with the solution for it, wouldn't they? When you ponder on it though, the last thing that the pharmaceutical giants would want is a complete cease in the production of the hundreds of multi-million dollar worth of medications lined up for diabetics that only offer a lifetime control thus requiring a continuous supply in the absence of a much anticipated cure, so this now makes anyone think of the possibility that maybe, a gag has been placed over the many budding researchers out there and that is why till this day, despite the advancing technology, we are still heavily reliant on meds for something that's clearly organic in nature. The whole point of this article isn't intended to slander any parties involved but to clarify to the public that diabetes isn't curable and that's a fact. Your shaman or your herbal supplier or alternative medical practitioner would be telling you otherwise but trust me, there isn't one that's close to the truth. They may help make it seem like you are cured but you will realise that it was just something manageable and nothing more than that. Try getting off those meds etc and see how your sugar level shoots up after that. There is nothing wrong in giving the complementary or alternative medicine a chance to prove their worth but keep one thing in mind; the term cure for diabetes just does not exist yet, at least not in 2018. It is also crucial for some of our doctors to STOP telling their patients that they can live a normal life with diabetes. Not only is this sentence directly culminating false hopes but it can be dangerous to some when they take it as it is and start living the way they desire. There is NOTHING normal about being reliant on oral hypoglycemic agents and/or insulin and having to be mindful of what you eat and sweating it out when others without diabetes are able to get by without diet and exercise for a few days and still be okay. You will not understand how devastating living with Diabetes can be until you actually have it because it robs you off the opportunity to eat all that you want. Which normal person would want to be restricted when it comes to the basic things in life such as food and pleasure? (If dieting and burning calories in the gym gives you pleasure, you are not considered normal! ). Hopefully, this will help reduce the redundant ideas about Diabetes that seemingly puts into mockery the desperate ply of the ones cursed with it.

Exams done: what next?

So with the exams done, here onwards it would be months before I get to finally and officially be known as a doctor. I don't fancy being called one but I would very much like to start practising before all these knowledge I have garnered starts seeping outta my skull again and not to mention being able to have a wallet with some cash in it. I am broke because I am jobless and I am jobless because it takes them more 6 freakin' months to give me my posting. Others don't complain because they have their own stretch of youthful years laid ahead while mine has almost been reduced to nothingness. Had the stupid board exam to be cleared off and the waiting period that accompanied it was such a pain in the ass and now THIS! Sigh. I decided to start writing again mainly because I didn't know how else to be productive during this dormancy that has befallen me. I could get a part time job, yes, but it will not be worth it! So many others wouldn't mind selling kacang putih or answering inbound customer calls about products that have nothing to do with the medical sector but that does not mean that I should follow suit! I still have yet another myth to break and that is regarding housemanship in Malaysia. On one side, you have this bunch of people who are quitting and feeding you with tales of the horrific lives led by house officers and on the other side, there's a bunch of show-offs who claim that it is their passion for the patients that has enabled them to function without sleeping or eating for days and being able to manage the mountaineous pile of work singlehandedly. I am not sure which groups annoys me more but both seem to send the take home message that the housemanship training in malaysian is almost an impossible ordeal to get by. Like, really? 🤔😏. Clearly, I am not able to comment further as I have yet to go through it myself but one thing's for sure: every bloody thing in this world WILL appear like you will never be able to surpass it but more often than not (..if you are asking about the frequency statistically, I could approximate it to a 75% chance that..), you WILL be getting to the other end. Look at me for instance.. despite all the hoo-hah that I read and heard about the epr exam, I got through both parts successfully and what's more, it was all done within my first attempt itself! For the record, I am NOT a positive person who goes about harping the good things in life or how I can motivate more people to become positive thinking assholes as well, but there are times when you gotta stand your ground and get it done in order to be somewhere.. in my case, to be in spa waiting list. How can you ease your anxiety spurts if you keep tuning in to what others have to say? Block em' out and do what matters. Read if you must but don't let any of their opinion, be it good or bad, find its way to your mind. I wish I could fast forward the time to which ever intake I am supposed and get started already but the reality is, I am left without a choice but to wait it out like the rest of them. It is the day when I walk out of this incognito mode will I be able to act and talk like a normal person because I am feeling as close as to a handicap for being financially nonproductive to my family. God, help give me the patience of the most serene of all organisms so that this waiting period does not fucking kill me!

Epr osce : can someone just kill me?

If the epr theory was the sandman, then the epr osce was the venom. It was uglier, freakier, darker.. ugh. Thinking about it even now makes me shudder although it is a thing of the past for me now. Picture this in your head: walking into the consultation room (instead of the other way round, like how real doctors are seated in their office) and trying to figure out what is wrong with the 'patient' can be quite cumbersome especially if you have got the examiner breathing down your neck (not literally lol, but it felt like that) and their beety eyes boring into your back and this uneasiness that appears to grow immensily with every sec that mercilessly ticks away. Trust me, it can be overwhelming especially when the word osce itself makes you wanna punch the shit outta the person who created it. During my med school days, the closest we came to a clinical test was the actual patient confrontation that formed the gist of our final clerkship year and well osce is roughly that.. You gotta know what to say and what to do to the patient (physical examination). I dreaded the osce mainly because I was fed with the wrong kinda insight about it.. like some said it might involve having to perform an IV insertion or episiorraphy within a stipulated time. Can you imagine getting all that done within minutes? At that time, I felt like walking into my own death scene and not knowing in what manner I would end up getting killed. In my opinion, it 'at least' helps to know what I can expect although the end result would be just as bad. I was so sure that I was going to be able to identify a collapsed lung in a pneumothorax case but I pointed at the wrong lung and lost some points there. I was pretty sure that I messed up the Obstetrics station as well as I got confused and in that tensed moment I identified the fetal's back as on my right instead of the maternal's left. Good job 😏. All the while as I trudged on miserably and defeated from one station to another, the only thing I tried hard was not to lose my composure and just start panicking or worse, run outta there flunking the whole exam even before it ended. 'Fake it till you make it'.. that's what that I kept chanting to myself repeatedly. Looking at the faces of the other candidates was not useful because they all had unreadable expressions on each of them. Perhaps I was the only one who would have to retake this exam next year.. or so I thought.. but after weeks (it took them almost 2 months) of sleepless nights and anxiety biting away at the remnants of my sanity, the result was sent to my email and guess what? I made it. Yup. This klutzy stuttering girl had been FINALLY relieved from the entire ordeal of having to pay the price for studying at an unrecognized university. Yeah some of you smart alecs would go about crying the same foul song that I deserve this because I chose to study there instead of investing half a million to study locally. I am not that rich okay! In fact I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would get to study for something that I could never exchange for anything else. I trusted my knowledge and in spite of the numerous negative retorts I received, I went ahead and fought the battle till there was nothing left in me. Nothing helped ease the trouble I faced in preparing for the osce epr; not the prep course nor the other candidates or even the materials I found online.. I think it was self-realization and coaching that made this possible for me. To the people out there who are going around spreading false info about the exam and discouraging and instilling unneeded fear in candidates who are yet to sit for the exam, be it the theory part or the clinical part, please stop doing that because you are not helping anyone by doing that. You are just adding stress in people who are already stressed. Any exam in this world is passable if you put in the effort.

Epr theory: is it really not do-able?

Yes it is never a good thing to be out of proportion in anything. You can't be too nice nor too mean towards people. You can't be over confident or even over doubtful of yourself. You can't... - the point is, choosing to balance it out can get you through even the most nastiest of all situations (including exams like these). I wish I had someone who told me all these when I was unsure about the exam, the way I am convincing you now that the epr exam isn't completely something that's gonna eat away at your sanity, provided of course if you put in all the effort that's required for it. The exam itself isn't cheap and the waiting period for it can really test the patience of even the calmest zen master. Mcqs can be tricky and when you have 120 of em' in one setting of approximately 3 hours (which isn't that much as there are also exams that have way more number of questions to be answered in a shorter period of time), trying to play the guess game may not help you outta this one. I personally took all the time I had before the exam to read up almost all of the suggested books (I don't remember putting in this much effort for any other exam) and on the day of the exam, it was like I struck all the notes beautifully and I  cussed at the thought of how worked up I got over something like this! My experience may not apply to all but this is my take of it: If your foundation in medicine is fairly good, acing this exam would not be an issue. Read, read and keep reading and get used to answering those test based medical questions that you can find simply by googling for them and keep trying no matter how impossible it may seem. Hey, I am no expert in all. I still have trouble remembering all the clinical findings of the various vasculitides or the different classes of antiarrhytimics but I have a rough idea of the essentials and that's what that got me through this exam in one piece.

2018 - there it goes, down the drain..

The last time I posted, must have been long before I finally decided to give the epr exam a shot; the so called exam for those from unrecognized universities.. Only God knows why these universities aren't recognized yet although a lot of em have good reputation elsewhere. Being notoriously unlucky in everything, I happened to be stuck during the dreadfully unexpected (and untimely I must say!) transition of the mqe exam to the epr exam. I was actually set to sit for the mqe exam but I bailed outta it simply because I didnt think that paying rm 30k for a single exam was reasonable in any way n the format of the exam seemed dubious. 2 weeks of final exam from the local unis? Wtf. Nobody bothered to clear that off and I wasn't willing to take the risk. Hence, I waited.. and waited.. and WAITED n somewhere in between all that, I strayed from this path and took on something else which I don't feel like discussing. That was partly done but life wasn't done sending in cyclones to mess things up and there I was again realising that perhaps I should just take this epr exam thingy amidst the unwanted fears and skeptism centered over it and FINALLY on March 29, 2018, much to my disblief, I sat for the theory part and waited in anticipation for the result which came in earlier than I expected and yup, this girl, this irrational self-doubting nerd got through and sat at the top of the list with the other 13 candidates following suit. So.. yay.. but the worse was yet to come: the OSCE! 😨