Years of silence and solitude

I have decided to start writing again.. I think the last one was about me getting excited about tackling the licensing exam, starting work as an adult.. that seemed centuries ago although it has technically 'only' been less than a decade. I am at the point of my life where I feel pretty much stuck in a rather complicating situation where I feel like this job is pushing me more towards darkness and yes I want to crawl out but I'm also afraid of what's waiting for me out there if I did.. so I'm halfway in and figuring out if I should at least peek out but doing so might get me shot in the eye perhaps? Gory thoughts but that's basically how my life has been thus far.. I never imagined this.. why the unhappiness when this is what I chose you ask? Yes I chose this not for what it might bring me, but what I thought I was going to get out of it.. as the years go by, the white strands on my head multiply, I realize that I lost this life to something unseen..a force that I couldn't stop from ruining whatever happiness that was left.. physically I feel deformed even though I am as normal as a human can be..mentally I feel challenged, demented although I can carry on my duty as a doctor.. emotionally I feel numb although I yearn for a love that promises eternity.. my tears mean nothing anymore but a cruel reminder as to how a girl who was once riding high is now a leper disguised in scrubs..

I may have been led to this life by circumstances surrounding me, but I have only myself to blame for everything..for letting go, for not working harder, for just.. existing.